Dec/Jan

December feels like the last 50 feet of a race. January feels like the first mile of swimming across the Pacific.
I'm getting a sinking sensation much like when you are staring down a massive project with no end in sight. January always feels this way to me. Throw in the very real possibility of lay off due to poor sales and '09 looks hugely unappealing.
It gives me the itch. The pack a bag and abandon life urge. Book a flight to Sydney or Rio. Grab your skis and bum Europe for a season or ten.
Sigh, back to work.

Igloo? I do!

The first of the '08-'09 Igloos has been built. To be completely fair this more of a qhuinzee hut, but hey me and a few snow fort nuts aside who will care?
I took a major short cut this time by burying my daughters "cabin the woods" play house. In the summer it is big enough inside to fit she and I sitting on some low stools. And it is stout enough to support my body weight. To keep snow from pouring in while I buried and compacted I put sections of "Hilary for president" signs over the windows. They are coro-plast and do not bond with the snow so the slide out very easily. After it was buried, compacted, and allowed some bonding time I then cut out the door. I think it looks charming. The door really does it for me.

My daughter loves it. My wife will go in it (she is too freaked out to go in my normal huts.) And the rest of my family feels much better knowing there is a frame work to keep my daughter from getting squished in a collapse. (My family has given up on me and plan to just put my headstone where my last fort caves in)
Now it is time to build mine.

Pump Master Pump Faster

So that was my home for 29 hours. Pumping out my basement with an improvised sump pump. Which consisted of 18 feet of 2 inch diameter hose, duct tape, zip ties, and a kayak bilge pump. The first wave was 3 hours of constant pumping to remove 5 inches of water. Followed by round of 2 minutes rest, 2 minutes of pumping for another 6 hours. The night was fun too. Sleep 30 minutes, pump 20, fetch more wood, stoke the fire sleep 30 and repeat.
If there is a santa claus and if I have been good then I wish with all of my heart for a back up generator and a chainsaw.

Old man and the sea

This may be late but it still deserves the "agh! what the Fuck is that !?!" response.
My friend Amy was visiting relatives in Florida when this sailed on by. In her words "it was MASSIVE. It was like being watched by a stern uncle."
Thankfully she got over the shock and grabbed her camera. Later it sailed back in this time showing the port side. I know it looks airbrushed. She swears on a stack of bibles it is real.
Barack and Joe look way less creepy.

Theodore Roosevelt Never Looked So Good

What do I do at work? I think this Silly Putty rendition of Teddy Roosevelt speaks for itself.

Career Day

Of all the people to speak at a career day I would never nominate me. So that is why the invite to speak at (name redacted) academy was so intriguing. I had assumed it was because real professionals were busy, well, working during the day. It could also be that the guidance counselor is a friend of mine and finds it amusing that despite my apparent lack of interest in work I make a comfy life for myself.
Being asked to go to one of these things really is strange. It means you have to look at the way you got to where you are in life and sum it up in a tidy way, then scrub it of any cynicism. On top of that I felt the need to add some motivational zing, you know "study hard" "life is more than high school" blah blah blah. Instead I decided to omit that and just let them know that life gets better.
So I arrive, immediately surrounded by 50 or more students and maybe 11 other "professionals." (that should read employed adults, nothing more) The idea was that we would each be assigned a group of students, 4 or so, with which we would have lunch and discuss our path through life, schooling, what we do for fun and what our job entails. My four were great. They were eager to hear all about me and I was a star!
Me: Foam. Them: "you sell ...foam?" Yup "like packing foam?" Nope "Spray foam?" Nah. Being overtly vague really got their attention. I elaborated but not so much as to bore them. It was great till Norah the bakery owner arrived. Damn you Norah! These are my students, how dare you take their attention from me! Usurper! Actually Norah is very nice. She does yoga with my wife and I love her scones. So I got over having to share my minions (did I mention I was a bad choice for career day?)
Next were the introductions. We all had to stand and introduce ourselves, say how we got here and what our education was like. The two workers from the shipyard were painful to listen to. While one spoke at tremendous length about the benefits of being a civilian employee of the navy the other passed out brochures. I had a pen and proceeded to improve the pamphlet. Adding such useful things as a shark, a sea monster a few row boats, a giant and a great big wacky water slide to the shipyard.
It is very liberating being in a high school and not having anyone to answer to. I could scan the room and see young adults trying their best to be attentive. But sooner or later it broke down. Cute but slightly bookish looking girl teasing the boy next to her by rubbing her foot up his leg. He trying his best not to grow bright red. All the cast is there but new faces. I won't bother naming them, if you went to high school you know who they are. They are still there, they just have newer clothes and different names.
I continued to listen off and on to the other adults. The chiropractor was slim and dressed casual hip. The librarian was OK, certainly not used to speaking in public. Union boss, RN, Environmentalist/entrepreneur, so on so forth. All got a polite applause after speaking. I conned my table into overt standing ovation prior to my speaking making a Steven Colbert styled entrance to the speaking area.
I can't tell you what I said to them, I know I mentioned I went to college to be a ski bum and then found a career to support my toy addiction. On the serious side I did mention that I found selling anything was about being polite, persistent and observant. I doubt I changed any lives. Odd thing was the chiropractor, entrepreneur, and teachers said they really liked my section. Which was good to ear after all these years skiing I need a chiropractor and I could use a new job Mr entrepreneur.
Career day, it is mighty fun. Who would have ever guessed.

RISD

On a recent trip to RISD I began contemplating what the hell is wrong with my hands? In observing the architectural drawings by David Maculay I could see just how he put the sketches together but why can't I do that? Get me a away from a ruler and you would assume I was pro boxer for a few decades. This comes as no surprise to anyone who has seen my handwriting but it is truly aggrivating to me. I want to be awesome too. Where is the disconnect? Somewhere between brain and fingertips I loose it. Wooly mamoths hang-gliding, I salute you Mr Maculay

Hip hip hooray for ridiculous

How to illicit a ton of stares and a big question mark about your sanity. Easy, bring an air rifle into work. The best comments included "hey the post office is that that way" and " I know it has been a slow quarter but..."
The why behind all of this is that I needed our industrial stitcher to complete the biathlon harness that I was installing. Complete success. The air rifle sits just as it should, the harness didn't cost a dime and I looked like a complete loon at work. Now hurry up and snow dammit! I have people to panic on the cross country trails. XC Militia on the left!

People are way too forgiving. Seriously, why do we let people get away with half the crap they do. The things that is most on my nerves right now is how lenient we are when it comes to incompetence. No, I am not about to harp on about the president for the last 8 years. That story is too obvious. We all know what a giant cluster that has been.
No this is about a client of mine. Scratch that, potential client. This particular individual, we will call her Wilma, has called on me before. I pass every detail of information she could possibly need, in every form I have available (e-mail, print, websites, fax, phone, smoke signals) and yet things are never easy enough for Wilma to get an order together. I have gotten her close, I have explained product details to her store managers to aid in her getting an order to me....wait, wait.. nothing. I can only imagine this is what a pre mature ejaculation feels like to a female.
So when Wilma called the other day you can imagine just how enthusiastic I was to speak with her.
W: "okay,okay , okaaaaaaaaaaaay. I have 100 units of product X going out on a tractor trailer tomorrow and your widget Y would compliment them right?"
M: "Yes, they would quite well. (typing her an e-mail in the background) I'll send you a price sheet, order form and spec description."
W: "How much does yours cost? I mean it is cheaper than bob's right? I have used yours before and it works. they work fine don't they? I was paying ... how much was I paying ? I was paying gosh it has to be 26.95, no, more like 27.50 for bob's...."
M: " Yes they cost 10 dollars less per unit, and work just fine. Check your e-mail, there is a price sheet waiting for you"
W: "could you e-mail me a price sheet?
This is in no way a fabrication. Wilma went on like this for 12 more minutes. The whole time I was being polite as I could be while searching to see where the hidden camera was. I mean it had to be a put on right? I wish that were the case. The sad truth is she really is that scattered. And everyone she deals with puts up with it, me included. Does that make me a slut? Would I be equally patient if I weren't trying to get my daily bread from her business? Honestly I probably would and I find that tragic.
Why should we wait behind people in line who can't decide what lunch combo to get until they are face to face with the cashier? These are the paper cuts of life. The nagging, minuscule things that add up to make you consider pushing the next twit you see into traffic. That pile up and make you write a blog that makes me come off as impatient an asshole. But c'mon get it together people.

Stop hitting yourself

Ever since the election I have been alternating between grinning like mad and weeping with joy. I knew I hated the conservatism in the US but I didn't know it was dragging on me mentally as badly as it had been. The last eight years have been the equivalent of a bully sitting on my chest and using my own hand to slap me. "hey nice army ya got...lets use it to invade some countries..." "Wow cool country side, lets get some roads in there for SUVs and some ATVs.harhar" "hey there is Europe, you got a crush on Europe don't you..Europe look at this wedgie!"
Time to blacken that bully's eye.

Career upgrades

File under Duh:
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Spy

'Stache

H: "what should I do with my hair?"
M:Blank stare, and point at her head
H: "I knew I should have asked Amy"
M: "honestly? Keep it the way it is, it is cute"
H: "That 's boring"
M: "Fine, then what should I do with my hair?"
H: "It's guy hair, you can't do anything with it"

That sounded too much like a dare to not do anything. And so In direct response to the idea that I can't do anything with my guy hair I have grown a mustache. But lo, it is a bad 'stache. I was hoping to look like Tom Selleck. Instead I am way more Jon Waters. Funny, my beard is boss. But the upper lip just can't get it together.
Next time I get into that conversation above (it will happen soon, I have had it twice a year for 10 years now) I am going to start slicking my hair back. With the beard and the widow's peak I am going to look like the wolfman. Good thing too I felt like my costume was underwhelming this year.

Post election punditry

This is the best piece of advice I have heard in regards the the election:
"Never get in a race with a kenyan"
My only response: "word"

Oh California...

C'mon. Letting a gay couple get married does not invalidated my marriage to my wife. Nor does it make me love her less. This is a civil rights issue. "All men (and women) are created equal..."
Now hush it with that "being gay is a choice...." When you were twelve did you sit down with some brochure listing the benefits of each? No, one day you looked at someone and suddenly wanted to jump their bones.
If it is religion that is the sticking point then you better make it illegal for me to wish people merry christmas as I am not a church go-er.
I think it boils down to the ewwwww factor. California it's okay that you don't want to watch two men kiss. But you know they do have the right to. Grow up a little.

I may be from Neptune but that’s no reason to be from Uranus

Yeah I know the whole" men are from, women are from" thing is completely played but I had to. You see during my longer than it should have been run the other day I found an incredible yard sale. Tools make a yard sale good, SWORDS make it great. Two sets of samurai swords!
I salivated the whole way home. But when I told Mare... a blank stare.
C'mon woman! How could you not want that? Can you imagine the duels we could have had?
Well needless to say it all fell on deaf ears. Too bad too I could been a hella good blind swordsman

be care ful what you wish for.

today I said to myself "I could got for a good work out." Dumb, so dumb. I drive a few miles from my home. park in a shady spot and run around newcastle island. The 6 mile loop is a good run and I felt appropriately tired.
As I reach into my pocket..... where are the keys? Oh, there they are, on the floor of the locked car. Sigh, comence the additional 2.5 mile run home. ok. 8.5 down.
Now break into my home and try not to think about how easily I did it ever again.
So now what what do I do? Time to grab the road bike and ride back out there to get the car. But what the hell, why ride there the short way. Out and down the road I go realizing I should have put alot more clothing on because now I am wet and sweating and being hit by a nice sea breeze. I rarely say I am cold but I am never this underprepared.
I get the car, get home and now I need some sleep. That is the last time I say I need a really good workout

swim pedal run

Soooo if you want to try something that sounds impressive but really isn't hard I suggest a triathlon.  A sprint Tri to be specific.  A short swim a moderate bike ride and a short run.  I am not saying it is easy per se but it is no where near as demanding as a half marathon.  The first two events are very low impact and the last leg is brief enough that you can turn of your brain and just put one foot in front of the other.   In fact by the time you start the run you have such momentum built up that you kind of float in.  And afterward it is just one more thing to say you did.  personally I highly recommend it

What? was that the?

Did anyone else notice that the background music to McCain's (Palin's as well) video montage was oddly familiar? It came to me 3/4's of the way through. It was the Dallas theme song. Slowed down and missing some of the background guitar funk. But there it was, that slow horn. Sure it wasn't note for note but it got through to me. The RNC is so drunk on oil that it has even seeped into their music. Wow
And out of curiosity when will they settle the republican ticket maverick off? John M'cain, original maverick. Sarah Palin, Alaska's maverick. I thought you could only have one maverick on a ticket. Someone has to be Goose. And by defualt does that make Obama Iceman? Is Biden tower?
I am going to sleep. I will undoubtedly alternate between dreams of dallas and top gun. I can't wait for the dream when Sarah Palin sings the Everly Brothers to Michelle Obama.

Shovel shovel shovel!

Doctors without borders have been good enough to send me a map of the world. I love maps. This particular one is tacked to my office wall directly behind my computer screen which means it is the subject of frequent day dreams .
One of the top distractions is " just so close!" This is when I sit and look at how narrow a strip of land joins two land masses (you know how you are, Panama.) Or how near we are to having a massive inland sea (Gibraltar you spoiler!) And I wonder just how big of a bomb would I need to finish the job, severe that, join here. I look and measure against the features I know the size of.
The second thing I do is try to find the most out of the way island possible. I used to think I had this one all finalized until I started wearing glasses. Where have you been all my life kergulen island! What fascinates me about this game is thinking of just how hard it must be to get to that place. What do people do if you show up unannounced? Are there people there at all? What would I do if I were there? Likely it would be the same things that I do camping on any island in Maine. But I just think that the stone karin I build on kergulen island would be sooooo much better.
The map is also a strange reminder to me that I will never see 99.99% of any of it. And yet I know what the phillipines look like in siloheutte. Like a armchair astronaut.

Completely Disgraceful

With an upcoming debut at the pumpkin man triathlon I decided it was time for an open water swim. Lee's pond, S. Berwick ME. was the decided site. After a brief 4 mile bike ride there with two friends we donned the gear made it 100 yards into the water until I became completely gripped with panic.
It should be noted that I am what most would consider a strong swimmer and most of my favorite leisure activities take place on water. I have been swimming multiple times per week for the past two years. None of this made a lick of difference.
Staring face down into a pond the color of Guinnes, my chest going tight and heart racing. I wanted to do something but I couldn't place it. Looking back at night I figured it out, I wanted to sob. I was in no danger what so ever, there is absolutely nothing in this water with any capability to harm me.
It wasn't a fear of some leviathan, being eaten wasn't even a thought. It was the water itself. This absurd idea that I would be drawn down to the center of the earth and covered by a layer of liquid with out end. Black, soundless and completely alone. I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of being alone. As an adult we are rarely faced with admitting shortcomings like this. In the night you can sing to yourself, talk to yourself, be your own company. Here it felt like I had nothing. Putting my face under for each new stroke was agony. I rolled onto my back, stroking slowly watching the sky. Eventually I over came it, swimming freestyle eyes tightly closed. Only opening them to confirm I was headed to the island and then back to shore where my bike was waiting.
I am disgusted with myself. I hate being afraid. It destroys dignity and ability. My friend Amy was good enough to take it easy with me while I pulled it back together. We both completed the swim but it was dreadfully slow and fatiguing. I rode home like the devil was chasing me. Flagellating myself the entire way.

Post Script:
I have since pedaled to the ocean where I did a half mile swim. I felt much more at ease.

Go Pro Go Pro Go Pro

Obnoxiousness and greed pay off in spades. As part of my duties as a sales rep for an outdoor sport related company I attended Outdoor Retailer this past week.
Outdoor Retailer, or OR for short, is a trade show where all the great things you would buy at REI, Kittery Trading Post, or LL Bean are displayed for various stores throughout the nation to select next years stock. That includes climbing, kayaking canoeing, clothing,
running, tents and more and more and more. In short it is close to
paradise.
The reason I say greed pays off is because I am absolutely shameless in the pursuit of shwag (freebies that are given away to create excitement about a company or product) This year was so fruitful that I may give up shwag collecting. Why keep it up when I have reached the pinnacle. Top prize this year: go pro hero. a 3 meg waterproof, helmet cam. I get giddy just thinking of what I will do with this thing. I know it will lead me to doing riskier and riskier things to get them on record. Oh well at least my final words will be recorded for posterity.

Rabbits foot rabbits foot

And a horseshoe or two for good measure. Whatever charm I was using last night was most appreciated. I had a Midas touch night where I could do no wrong on the water.
I suppose I should mention that I was paddle surfing. The boats last night were the Purple Sub (a stripped out Dagger Blast and the Riot Boogie. No nick name has emerged for the boogie.
I have often wished for a magical camera crew to film anything I am doing well. Nights like last night certainly would have made the greatest hits reel.

Drowning will result in loss of pool privileges

I have a beef with pool life guards. Honestly how many lives do these people save? It isn't as though we are dealing with the ocean here. Chances are most emergencies would be solved by, oh, standing up? It seems to me all they do is hassle pool goers. "No running, no rough housing and for god's sake stay off the rope!"
Quiet you corpulent knob. I mock you and your whistle.
I believe there should be a testing for all pool goers. Pass a certain level of water proficiency and from there forward life guards are not even permitted to look at you. And they should never be allowed to speak to anyone under any circumstance. Scoop out the barely living, ship them to the hospital and let us all be.
Actually the best idea would be an 18 and over pool, one guard. Watching over people furthers their lack of personal responsibility.

shoot me elmo

Creepy!!! A plush toy in the other room just began talking without being squeezed, manipulated or looked at even. The obvious reason: posession. I am going to release the demon via arrow. I am sad I have talking plush toys in my home, but I am glad it made the first move and ok'd me to do my best william tell impression with it. Too bad I am out of apples. C'mere barney, you and big bird hold hands while I flip a coin to see who gets it first.

Post Script
I did not shoot the big bird doll from hell, but I did take him apart very carefully. In doing so I found the light sensor which triggers him to shout "peek-a-boo" In a creepy/effeminate voice. I decided the right thing to do would be to hide him in the ceiling of a co worker's office so he could yell PEEK-A-BOO! directly over her head every time she turned on the light.
She really likes working with me

Office explosion renders one smelly

An explosion in a portsmouth nh office left one worker stinking of skunked beer. No injuries reported. Sources close to the victim report he found 3 kegs on the roadside and was investigating how to remove the valve for a "sanke" type keg. ""I don't know, he gets lots of strange ideas, this seemed pretty normal for mike. We really should have asked where he was going with that flathead screwdriver."Undetered, mike has retained the kegs and hinted at further attempts to tamper with them

Mantra

Lou and I were talking about running a while back. What we do to pass the time while our legs fire away etc. Being as I never listen to music and always run outdoors I have alot of time to daydream and what not. I told him I have a mantra that repeats over and over. Lou was eager to know what it was but I down played it and never really told him what it was. Truth be known, the mantra is a list. About four seperate lists actually. I didn't want to tell him at the time because they make me look incredibly shallow and petty. Listed in no particular order are the lists. Injustices I have endured during my lifetime and the names of people who subjected me to them (this list is long and rambling, you accumulate alot to be mad about in 31 years. espcially if you are shy and overly forgiving). Women I could have had sex with but did not. Women I wanted to have sex with but did not (this is different from the previously mentioned list, some of the listees overlap. I will not name any of the listees lest they read this and say "he never had a shot" or "ewwwwwwwww") Regrets in general. (also an exceedingly long list.)

As I have heard it said "lists tell you as much about the person making the list as the list itself" So that is why I held it back lou. I am fueled by seething. Self needling keeps me moving. Anger and a deep desire to be better than everyone including myself. It sounds horrible here but there it is. Self flagulating is a great motivator though. Warren J Harding (the climber, not the president) has been creditted with some of mountaineerings greatest feats. Some say it is because he had a deep well of anger to pull from. So there you have it

Work V. Weekend

I have been dealing with a strange feeling recently. I think I like the work week better than the weekend. It isn't that I like working. I don't hate it but it is what I do because I like to eat and have a home. I used to crave oodles of free time; I lobbied employers and government to go to a 4 day week. But now I just find the work week almost more relaxing than the weekends. I know home ownership is an on going process but it has become so

consuming that I feel slothful if I am not cleaning, or improving something. Workdays I
am expected to go to the office. I have a legitimate excuse for why I am not straightening
up or entertaining the fam. Responsibility has taken the fun out of unstructured time.
Sleeping at my desk seems more justifiable than a nap at home on sunday. What do you
do with free floating guilt? Do something to deserve it.. ugh, goodnight everyone

Bob Kratchet

What do he and I have in common? Working in a freezer of an office! I came in first this morning to find that we have no heat. It was 43 in my office. Now everyone who knows me must know that I have an affinity for cold so this really insn't a big deal. But I knew it would make office life fun. I have had alot of laughs watching other people trickle in. Secretary: "what the hell? why is it so freaking cold? I can't work like this!" ( which illicited, what's the difference you never work anyway? in my head)

I have kept my vest on and have my fingerless wool gloves for typing. It is awesome. Being as my office is right by the railroad tracks I have debated bringing up a 50 gallon drum and breaking up some pallets, get some heat going the hobo method. What the hell, I already have the gloves. Maybe some mad dog would help.

Snow Plow and Zamboni had a baby! And they named him Mike

Take a 3 foot wide peice of plywood with 2 handles sticking out of it add me on skates as the engine and you have a snow-boni, a zamplow. Whatever I/it/we are it equals a cleared ice skating track and a sore back.

Derby ladies, I think you should come up and give this a try, great training device. It is like skating and trying to push a car at the same time. Kinda reminds me of those dumb tests on world's strongest man competitions.

Post Script:

What do I get for shoveling off a pond to skate? I get gooned, that's what! Split lip, bloody nose. Wheeeeeeeee! 3 hours of work and I ruin it by taking a digger the likes I have never had in 27 years of skating.
While skating backwards my legs kick out and my hands never made it up. Dropping straight to my face. It was one of those hits that happen so fast I had to take a few seconds to figure out why my face hurts so badly. Slip, whack, seeing grey (that was me face down to the ice) taste iron (copious blood), screaming (that would be my neighbor who was watching her son and I skate). Alright I have it pieced together now gotta get my skates off and go home.
At least I still have my teeth, that was the only worry as I picked myself up. I can handle blood, dentists make me nervous.

And I take the ridiculous level up a notch

I like to ice skate. I like to do silly things. Ice skating is rarely silly. I am rarely not. I decided to take skating to a bold new frontier. Ponds are fun, marshes are better. Marshwood middle school near kittery maine lives up to it's name. It has woods it has a marsh, the two intersect neatly. During the past few winters I have noticed that the drainage ceases and the water backs up into the surrounding woods and freezes. Voila!! Pond skating in a forest! Low branches! Full grown trees to zig and zag. I don't know how this will work out but I am certain it will be fun and possibly painful. I will keep you posted.

2/22 Post Script

Went skating and apparently there are alot of springs in this marsh making for spooky clear/ very thin ice. Gliding over and seeing vegetation waving below is a really really bad sign. I never made it to the woods as there were too many thin pockets. I will attempt again this time from a different access point. Second side note: Skating with an ice axe is really fun