Hip hip hooray for ridiculous

How to illicit a ton of stares and a big question mark about your sanity. Easy, bring an air rifle into work. The best comments included "hey the post office is that that way" and " I know it has been a slow quarter but..."
The why behind all of this is that I needed our industrial stitcher to complete the biathlon harness that I was installing. Complete success. The air rifle sits just as it should, the harness didn't cost a dime and I looked like a complete loon at work. Now hurry up and snow dammit! I have people to panic on the cross country trails. XC Militia on the left!

People are way too forgiving. Seriously, why do we let people get away with half the crap they do. The things that is most on my nerves right now is how lenient we are when it comes to incompetence. No, I am not about to harp on about the president for the last 8 years. That story is too obvious. We all know what a giant cluster that has been.
No this is about a client of mine. Scratch that, potential client. This particular individual, we will call her Wilma, has called on me before. I pass every detail of information she could possibly need, in every form I have available (e-mail, print, websites, fax, phone, smoke signals) and yet things are never easy enough for Wilma to get an order together. I have gotten her close, I have explained product details to her store managers to aid in her getting an order to me....wait, wait.. nothing. I can only imagine this is what a pre mature ejaculation feels like to a female.
So when Wilma called the other day you can imagine just how enthusiastic I was to speak with her.
W: "okay,okay , okaaaaaaaaaaaay. I have 100 units of product X going out on a tractor trailer tomorrow and your widget Y would compliment them right?"
M: "Yes, they would quite well. (typing her an e-mail in the background) I'll send you a price sheet, order form and spec description."
W: "How much does yours cost? I mean it is cheaper than bob's right? I have used yours before and it works. they work fine don't they? I was paying ... how much was I paying ? I was paying gosh it has to be 26.95, no, more like 27.50 for bob's...."
M: " Yes they cost 10 dollars less per unit, and work just fine. Check your e-mail, there is a price sheet waiting for you"
W: "could you e-mail me a price sheet?
This is in no way a fabrication. Wilma went on like this for 12 more minutes. The whole time I was being polite as I could be while searching to see where the hidden camera was. I mean it had to be a put on right? I wish that were the case. The sad truth is she really is that scattered. And everyone she deals with puts up with it, me included. Does that make me a slut? Would I be equally patient if I weren't trying to get my daily bread from her business? Honestly I probably would and I find that tragic.
Why should we wait behind people in line who can't decide what lunch combo to get until they are face to face with the cashier? These are the paper cuts of life. The nagging, minuscule things that add up to make you consider pushing the next twit you see into traffic. That pile up and make you write a blog that makes me come off as impatient an asshole. But c'mon get it together people.

Stop hitting yourself

Ever since the election I have been alternating between grinning like mad and weeping with joy. I knew I hated the conservatism in the US but I didn't know it was dragging on me mentally as badly as it had been. The last eight years have been the equivalent of a bully sitting on my chest and using my own hand to slap me. "hey nice army ya got...lets use it to invade some countries..." "Wow cool country side, lets get some roads in there for SUVs and some ATVs.harhar" "hey there is Europe, you got a crush on Europe don't you..Europe look at this wedgie!"
Time to blacken that bully's eye.

Career upgrades

File under Duh:
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Spy

'Stache

H: "what should I do with my hair?"
M:Blank stare, and point at her head
H: "I knew I should have asked Amy"
M: "honestly? Keep it the way it is, it is cute"
H: "That 's boring"
M: "Fine, then what should I do with my hair?"
H: "It's guy hair, you can't do anything with it"

That sounded too much like a dare to not do anything. And so In direct response to the idea that I can't do anything with my guy hair I have grown a mustache. But lo, it is a bad 'stache. I was hoping to look like Tom Selleck. Instead I am way more Jon Waters. Funny, my beard is boss. But the upper lip just can't get it together.
Next time I get into that conversation above (it will happen soon, I have had it twice a year for 10 years now) I am going to start slicking my hair back. With the beard and the widow's peak I am going to look like the wolfman. Good thing too I felt like my costume was underwhelming this year.

Post election punditry

This is the best piece of advice I have heard in regards the the election:
"Never get in a race with a kenyan"
My only response: "word"

Oh California...

C'mon. Letting a gay couple get married does not invalidated my marriage to my wife. Nor does it make me love her less. This is a civil rights issue. "All men (and women) are created equal..."
Now hush it with that "being gay is a choice...." When you were twelve did you sit down with some brochure listing the benefits of each? No, one day you looked at someone and suddenly wanted to jump their bones.
If it is religion that is the sticking point then you better make it illegal for me to wish people merry christmas as I am not a church go-er.
I think it boils down to the ewwwww factor. California it's okay that you don't want to watch two men kiss. But you know they do have the right to. Grow up a little.